Cancer at age 53, a battle I pray that I can win…part one

I have been waiting a long time to get back to writing, as you can see it has been forever since I wrote anything but here I am back at it again and I could not be happier. I will be getting fully in to the reasons for my absence in the days to come but for now let me just share with you that I have just had a major surgery and only now am I able to sit upright long enough to write this to you all. It was a life changing operation and it was all because I was a very, very, stupid woman. Yes I am talking about cancer, breast cancer to be precise, and because October is breast cancer awareness month, and now that I can include myself in the numbers of men and women who fight to survive this horrendous illness, it is only fitting that I begin to do my part to hopefully pay it forward by sharing my experience with as many people as I can. I also hope that WordPress will do it’s part to further the cause by realizing how many of their users are going through cancer themselves or definitely know someone who is…hopefully WordPress gives to a cause or many causes that further the eradication of any and all cancers from this planet, and if not, well shame on you.

As the title of this blog states, I am at present 53 years of age, and the reason I got cancer, although somewhat debatable to some, is because I smoked cigarettes for 41 years. In June of this year I discovered a lump in my right breast and from that moment on, as in the case of many others, my life changed forever. I called my husband in to the bedroom and asked him if he felt anything and when he did the look on his face was just about more than I could take. You see my husband is a quiet and brave man, you know, the strong silent type, and in that moment when he felt the lump in my breast his face told me that strength and bravery had given way to fear and confusion, if only for a brief few minutes, the change had happened and we both understood, with out saying a word, that nothing was ever going to be ” normal “, or at least our normal, ever again. It was sad, it was frightening, but it was also the beginning of a new normal, I just didn’t understand that at the time.

What followed was normal too, a whole series of doctors appointments and tests that are humiliating and down right upsetting to the human spirit and anyone’s self esteem. You become, because of this wretched cancer, a part of a system that takes away your dignity, your independence, and your ability to direct your own course in life and it hurts like hell. That is all normal too but when you are going through it, like a lamb being led to the slaughter, there is nothing normal or calming or comforting about it. Suddenly there are a whole bunch of new people in your life, most are smiling at you and telling you that everything will be okay, but some are of course down trodden and look as though they are just waiting for you to kick the bucket. Tests like needle biopsies and mammograms and ultra sounds and other tests that I can hardly remember, all conducted by people who for the most part really care about their jobs and the patients they take care of every day, can make a person feel dizzy and confused and lost, but if you are fortunate enough to have someone sit you down and speak to you in plain english, someone who will tell you the whole and sometimes ugly truth, then you can gain some as-semblance of clarity and hopefully make some choices that make sense to you and those who are on the journey with you. Keeping your sanity and strength and faith is the most difficult thing here, remembering the you, you were before the madness of cancer took over is the key to your survival, as has been said many times by those much wiser than myself, you are not your illness, it cannot define you, never let it define who you are…

End of part one….thanks for stopping by….Witty